...with a husband and 5 sons, I am truly outnumbered....stories and thoughts on life from a mom in a houseful of little men!

Thursday, October 03, 2013

Peace For the Moment

A stray sunbeam glinted off his little blonde moppet this morning, his eyes squinting and facing the heavens, as gold whirled all around him.  There was pure wonder and admiration in his face--soaking it all in--this miracle of the seasons changing was not lost to him.  I looked at him through the upper-story window, fuller-than-full with the beauty of it all.  I wanted to capture it on film, but to try would mean to miss the moment entirely.  So I just stood and soaked it in.  Sometimes, we just need to be still.

We need to seize moments like these.  Amidst the whirling and twirling and never-ceasing of life demands, these times can easily go unnoticed.  How many moments do I miss?  While I'm staring down at the vacuum I'm running, or on my knees scrubbing misses around the toilet?  When my eyes are pasted to a page or a computer screen, and a little voice (or 3 or 5) beckons, will I look up?  If the house becomes quiet because the smallest occupants seized the moment and ran out into the rain, will I run out and join them?  Will I choose to do this, or will I just be held captive by the noise and worry in my own mind, missing moments all the while?

I never knew life would be like this.  I never knew it would be so beautiful and yet so messy and so, so unrelenting.  There are so many people and things to love and yet life is also full of constant demands, full of noise.  I never knew the noise would surround me but also clamor in my own mind, from the moment I wake until the moment my eyelids close again at day's end.  I never knew I would need to be intentional about finding moments of solace--to breathe, to pray, to think straight.   Furthermore, I never knew that "solace" would come to mean something so different as I went through various stages in life.  What once required a solo trek to a mountain top, now must be accomplished surrounded by a din that threatens to level the place.  I do not wish for things to be different.  I do long for me to be different.  I long to be molded and changed so that peace will come easily no matter my surroundings. 

Thoughts tumble around in my mind like those whirling, golden leaves.  Not all the thoughts are quite so beautiful.  Some need be snatched up, like my sons jumping and reaching up to catch the leaves before they hit the ground.  They need to be snatched up and held captive and made obedient to the One who stands like a solid, immoveable rock at the center of my whirling, chaotic life.  Sometimes there's so much floating around that I can barely see Him, but He never moves, and He never changes.

Everything else changes.  There's a change in the air in my life, in my family.  I feel it stirring, though I don't understand what it will look like, where it will lead.

"From where I'm standing
Lord it's so hard for me to see
Where this is going
And where You're leading me
I wish I knew how
All my fears and all my questions
Are gonna play out"
-Casting Crowns

When the leaves cascade all around and down, they seem to just land wherever.  I don't just want to land wherever.  Just as I need to be intentional about seizing moments or taking thoughts captive, I want to be intentional about where I'm going.  As I wait for the winds of change to happen, I also need to be intentional about living fully here now.

I need to trust that what ought to be, will be.  I need to trust that what's supposed to be now, is.  I need to soak it all in, be still, and yet be ready to move when He says, "Go."

"If there's a road I should walk
Help me find it
If I need to be still
Give me peace for the moment
Whatever Your will
Whatever Your will
Can You help me find it"
-Sidewalk Prophets