Emotional Overload

Last week was quite eventful in this family. We hit the ground full-speed after coming off the dreaded flu week(s). Lots of tears for this heart-filled mama: some due to milestones, some due to sadness, some due to joy. All were seasoned with a heavy dose of hormones.

MILESTONES:
Keiki had his first haircut. Pretty sure he was the first to love it... He had just watched all the big bubbies have theirs cut the day before, so he. was. ready. I always feel a little sad at cutting away those first little wispy curls.


Spunky Cub had his first visit from the Tooth Fairy. (She almost forgot...and had to do a quick maneuver at 1 a.m! Thank goodness he wasn't disappointed she left no note or fairy dust!) His little smile transformed instantly, of course. I just can't believe he's old enough to lose teeth. In his own words, "Mommy, do you realize that there are only five more winters until I'm a 10-year-old? SO. You better enjoy me being a 5-year-old." Well said, Son. I SURE DO enjoy this 5-soon-to-be-6-year-old.

LOSS

We had to say good-bye to our sweet Willow. I realize some of you are "dog people" and some of you aren't. Some of you will wonder why I'm about to post as many pictures of my dog as I posted of my kids, and that's ok...I guess. :) I LOVED this dog. She was my first "baby". In other words, I treated her like a baby before I had a real one!

Here we are together, in 1996. She was just a few days old, and as you can see, I am just a pup myself. . I loved her gray and white color (there was only one other gray and white in the litter.) Her official name was "Nakeena's Willow Shining Moon". Beautiful name for a beautiful, furry babe.

Tony and I took her home to Minneapolis when she was around 7 weeks old. I was still in college; Tony was just starting out in the work-force.

She and our dear Laska, who also has passed, took up all our time. We loved taking them for walks through the city along the Mississippi, twice a day, every day.


Sometimes on the weekends, we took them mushing in Wisconsin.
Eventually, we decided to move to Alaska. Here they are, along the Al-Can Highway, somewhere!

And here's my husband (LOOK! He's got a full head of hair!!) with Willow, soaking up some sun after a dip in Eklutna Lake. A sweet friend of mine mentioned that Willow had such a great life; she lived every Siberian Husky's dream: to move to Alaska. She really did thrive here, and I'm thankful for all the great years we had to enjoy her.

Losing Willow is very hard. I'm amazed at how God gives us such love for a pet. What is also hard, is that Willow was a part of our lives through so many ages and stages. We had her through college, beginning our careers, living in 3 states, and introducing her to our first, second, third, and fourth babies. Ten years later, that first-born was old enough to feed and care for her himself. Losing her is losing the last little piece of all that history. No more tangible reminder of all those times.

The boys keep asking about her...and wondering about where she is. The Bible doesn't tell us exactly what happens to beloved pets when they die, but we do know animals are important to God. I happen to believe out of love for us, He'll re-create these special friends for us when we go to live with Him someday. I asked Him to.

JOY!

We "met" our 5th child last week! Here we are, getting all snuggled in for the show.

When I saw that perfect, precious little baby...I just started to cry...and cry...and cry. The technician asked if I was ok. I managed to squeak out, "Yes....it's just....he's so precious...." Little Keiki kept bringing me tissues through the whole deal. For some reason, ever since we found out I was pregnant, it just hasn't seemed real. Hearing the heartbeat helped, but I still have just been trying to wrap my mind around the fact that this is truly happening! I've also been plagued with a feeling that something was wrong. Haven't been able to shake it, even though there was no apparent reason to worry. At the ultrasound, all of that just melted away. I just basked in the beauty of our healthy, new, baby SON.


A 5th little knight for the Kingdom. LOVE this baby. Now if we can just settle on a name... And that, Folks, is for another post.

Off the Deep End

We've had some BIG developments with the adoption plans here in Boyland this week. (big breath)

We found out we've been chosen to parent a baby....a caucasion baby....due sometime in June.

Interestingly, this baby will probably look a lot like Tony and I....YES. We just discovered that God has blessed us with a new little person inside! This has been a very wild, unexpected turn of events for us. Some may say after sixteen years of marriage we'd have better control over these things...but really, it's not for us to control. We've always left the option open. This was perfectly orchestrated timing...though not by us.

We're really excited to be, God-willing, welcoming TWO new ones into our family in the near future...

...because we're still following through with our adoption plans...

We're still researching and planning to see more of what our adjusted time-table looks like. We'll be welcoming our little one by birth and settling in before we can follow-through with some of our adoption details. There are still many things that we'll, God-willing, continue with now, before our baby-by-birth arrives. You may ask, "Are we CRAZY?" Do you really need to ask?! We know, however, that this is God's plan for us. He is the dream-giver, and the One who put this into our hearts. We have a child waiting to be born, and a child waiting somewhere in the world for us to come to her. We don't want to miss out, and so, we've closed our eyes, taken a deep breath and jumped off the deep end. It's an invigorating, and sort of scary place to be!

Yesterday, the morning after we found out our big news, I opened up my Max Lucado devotional and here's what the Lord had to say to me:

The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? Psalm 27:1

Jesus says the options are clear. On one side is the voice of safety. You can build a fire in the hearth, stay inside, and stay warm and dry for what you don't try, right? You can't fall if you don't take a stand, right? You can't lose your balance if you never climb, right? So don't try it. Take the safe route.

Or you can hear the voice of adventure--God's adventure. Instead of building a fire in the hearth, build a fire in your heart. Follow God's impulses. Adopt the child. Move overseas. Teach the class. Change careers. Run for office. Make a difference . Sure it isn't safe, but what is? --Max Lucado

We have one shot at this, People. One human life to live, and one legacy to leave. What is it that He is whispering in your heart? What chance is it He's asking you to take? Let's not miss out on a single adventure or blessing He has for us.

We're Saying YES

Lots to say here, so you may want to grab a cup of coffee or tea. I'm about to share my heart on a matter. Ok. Deep breath.

Tony and I have been beyond-blessed by our quiver of little men. Never in my wildest imaginings did I think I'd find myself the mother of FOUR boys! Words cannot even express my gratitude that my Creator saw fit to place me in this role. I LOVE being a mother. After Little Knight number 3 was born, we thought we were probably "done". Why? Well, it just felt like we had what we could handle. After he was born (and actually even before he was born,) it hit me like a ton of bricks, and although I was enjoying every fleeting moment of our newborn wonder, I couldn't shake the anxiety I felt over being "done". During those days when he was so tiny, I would cry...and I would blame it on postpartum depression. When he was two, we cleaned out the house. We sold or gave away most everything "baby"...and I cried again. I cried when someone came to buy the crib. I cried when someone hauled away the high chair. I outright bawled at the thought of getting rid of the last remaining, tiny blue outfits. I remember Tony saying to me, that if getting rid of certain things made me so sad, I should just pack those things up and save them. Someday, I'd wonder why I had kept those things and then I'd just get rid of them. "Besides," he said, "We could always adopt." The day that I would wonder why I kept back that tote-full of baby clothes never came for me. That tote always remained a symbol of "just in case"...

Upon finding out we were expecting precious little knight #4, we were somewhat surprised. However, what started out as a momentary, small shock that we really weren't "done" after all, soon turned into elation over having a new baby! I cherished every moment of my pregnancy. I LOVE pregnancy. I LOVE birth. I LOVE babies. After Keiki was born, and we were experiencing the all-out JOY of having a new member of the Brotherhood, it hit me that there was no way I could close out the possibility of more children. New life is just too precious--too sacred. He was so wonderful, and added such goodness to our family. I did not feel the slightest bit ready to call it quits, and was unashamed to admit it. I have not-so-slyly continued to make mention to my husband of having another child, and Tony has sweetly continued his jokes about buying a "short bus", calling me a "Catholic in a protestant's body". (I hope that doesn't offend any of my Catholic friends!)

Earlier this year, we had a real heart-to-heart on the matter. Long story short, Tony mentioned again (we've mentioned it several times through the years) the possibility of adoption. "It just seems like the right thing to do when there are so many children who need homes." At that moment something unexplainable happened. Adoption took root in my heart. Or maybe it's that it was always there....the "adoption gene", as it is called.

We had mentioned it through the years while talking about how many children we hoped to have. I have been touched personally by adoption. My two younger cousins joined our family through adoption. It touched me very deeply as a young girl to experience their joining into our family. At the moment when my husband mentioned it as a genuine possibility for us, however, something took root and began to grow wildly out of control. In July, I began researching with a vengeance. Those of you who know us well, know that is just our style. We pull out the charts and graphs and spreadsheets. A stack of books finds its way onto the living room table. We have been amazed at how much there is to learn. We've been floored by how complex it all is. And yet, we keep coming back to the same matter of importance:

There are an estimated 147 MILLION children in this world without forever families.

We can choose to do something about that. We have hearts that are open to love. We have a loving home that will only improve by the presence of more children. We believe people are assets, not liabilities. We love being parents. We are far, far from perfect, but there are so many children who need someone to be their parents. We say YES.

We are full of questions. We are battling fear. We have felt peaceful about specific paths and had them blocked. Yet now there is a name and precious little girl's face that spurs us on. Whether this particular sweet girl is ours? Well, we'll just place one foot in front of the other and see where it leads. We will need a lot of money, and we know we are called to do this debt-free. We do not know how this will happen. Yet that flame that was conceived in my heart has been fanned into a raging fire...and the other option--to turn back--is not an option. My mother-heart has wrapped around this one. Somewhere in this world there is a child who is waiting for us to bring her home.

I was an orphan once. Pitiful and lost. The God of all creation, the Author of adoption, invited me into His forever family.

\

All in One Year

One year ago today, I was 10 days post-due, labor began, I was in denial over it, and running all over Wasilla for various appointments. Today, my toddler baby is thrilling our hearts as he pitter-patters throughout our home. His babbles and giggles bring us unfathomable joy...and we are even more in love with this baby! This week he began to walk more than crawl...and our days of being a nursing couplet are coming to a close. All this in one year. My mommy-heart is so full...of memories...of hopes...and my tears fall freely. As is the case when one's heart is so incapable of expressing feelings in words, things are best expressed with music. And so, I share our little Keiki's first birthday gift with you...a walk through his first year set to his birth music. Settle in and enjoy; it is lengthy--be sure to watch through the entire three songs!

What to Do While Waiting for Baby, Part 3

Take the Sunday off from church to avoid all the "You're STILL PREGNANT?!" questions....and go bowling.

This is Parenting

So this morning, I found myself wondering if perhaps this is why our littlest knight has been reluctant to make his appearance--the utter chaos of Boyland. Our middle prince ran up the stairs with a strange, toothy grin on his face...and blood gushing out of it. I took him in the bathroom to inspect, as the youngest came running up the stairs, completely naked (as he had been for the past 15 minutes or so....I'd seen him zoom in and out of the room several times giggling...although Daddy said he did have a swimming Speedo on at one point...) and crying, "My Band-Aid fell off! My Band-Aid fell off!" Daddy brought him into the bathroom to replace the coveted Band-Aid on his toe...as I was busy trying to wipe blood from a VERY strong, wriggling 6-year-old who had a tooth dangling by a string downward out of his mouth but WOULD NOT allow me to just get it out of there. Daddy offered an assist and wrapped his arms around Prince Eaglet, as the child SCREAMED and thrashed as though we were going through another blood draw (see post from 11-12-08.) He kept yelling, "Don't touch it! Don't pull it out!" I noticed somewhere around this time that he had something green stuck to his neck. Turned out it was the Band-Aid from Spunky's toe...which gave us an indication as to how this mess had begun. So Daddy and I noticed now that Spunky was climbing up onto the bathroom counter...he's still completely naked...to take the matter of the Band-Aid into his own hands since his parents were obviously indisposed at the moment. I gotta say I appreciate his initiative. Simultaneously with the naked crawler and screaming and thrashing bloody hostage, in pops Prince Bobcat, who, oblivious to the goings-on of the moment, thrusts a drawing in front of Daddy's face, "Look what I drew!" Daddy and I met eyes and just laughed. "This is parenting", I said. Nobody prepares you for this. I was thinking about the little guy inside, who although a silent bystander, was listening to the whole ordeal. It's no wonder we're sitting at D-Day and he has not made the slightest move to come out and join the party. He knows this party is going to require some major strength, resilience, and readiness. I cannot promise him a peaceful, serene home to grow up in...but I can promise plenty of excitement and love.

What to Do While Waiting for Baby, Part 2

Another great idea from Pam...have the big bros write letters to their baby brother for his baby book! The letters are absolutely precious.

Great Grandma sent a box with some stuffed bears for the boys. They became babies today....here's Eaglet, with babies tucked into bed, practicing his lullabies...


...and the video version...

What to Do While Waiting for Baby

Belly Paint!
My friend Pam gave us this great idea:

Hats off to my little artists...

The First Load...All Hues of Blue

OOOOO....I love all these blues! I finally was able to indulge in washing the first loads of our newest son's teeny-weeny little clothes. Tony and Spunky have been busy painting and setting up the crib.......so now it's been my turn to fuss about and do the new mommy nesting thing! I love having this room all (almost) set up......and dreaming about all the precious, tender times we will share with our baby son in here. I'm so happy we're having this baby...I'm overwhelmed with the fact that God Himself came to us in this most humble and precious and vulnerable form. I'm overwhelmed with the fact that that same God also has laid out each and every day and purpose for this little one that we're about to meet any day.

Blessed Big-Time

Wow. Not even sure I have the words for this post. I was SO BLESSED this past weekend with love, encouragement, prayers, gifts, FRIENDS. This is a group shot from Baby Alek's and my baby shower last Saturday. What an amazing time. Been to a lot of baby showers...but never have I felt such blessing and peace from the Spirit as I did at this one. We had a wonderful, heart-felt group prayer time together and I even had a song written for and performed for me. This will be one of my best life memories; I'll cherish it always. I am truly speechless by the number of positive, loving, God-loving women (and their families) that God has brought into my life. Another precious thing was that my 78-year-old grandma was here from Wisconsin. It was such a blessing to have her at this shower. Thank you to Mom, Grandma, Tracee, Heidi, and all of you who made this such a wonderfully special day for me.
It also seems as though this shower was planned with perfect timing. An appointment with my midwife yesterday confirmed that our little guy is very anxious to make his way out! He dropped Monday night, and I have instructions to take it easy and try and make it another 2 1/2 weeks. If things keep progressing, it will be bed rest time until that 2 1/2 weeks are up. I feel peace in knowing that he will born at the perfect time.
I'm so excited, and find myself in irrational states of nesting. The boys and I went out to buy a car seat yesterday...and bought everything for the baby from Target but a car seat. Now if we could just get that nursery painted...and a crib purchased and put up! Plans are for this weekend--I can't wait to have that little room all ready and waiting for our precious 4th son.

Always Wanted To...

..capture the sweetness and precious, fleeting moments of expectation on film.

From My Heart

This one's very tender on my heart. So tender, in fact, I've let it sit for about six weeks before deciding it was important to share it. God designs families, and He does it perfectly. He knows exactly who we need and who needs us. Boy, girl, conceived or adopted....He brings us all together in perfection. With each of our babies, we have inwardly acknowledged and embraced this, and eagerly anticipated exactly "who" He was adding! With each of our babies, we have also developed dreams and possibilities of "who" the new little person was and what they would be like. Baby number four has been no different. So when the much-anticipated ultrasound day arrived (we never have waited until the birth day to "find out" boy or girl or to choose names....we've always had the possible names ironed-out and we've lovingly called our little ones by name from the ultrasound date on...) we grabbed hold of the dream that really was, and simultaneously let go of the dream of the other possibility. At the pinnacle of our joy we shared with anyone who asked (and many who didn't ask) about the ultrasound--"Yes, praise the Lord our baby is healthy and well! And....he is a boy and his name is _________!" Well, I was not prepared at all for some of the reactions this time. We were met with some hurtful and down-right rude reactions...such as--deep, heavy sighs....hands covering faces....mutterings of "I'm so sorry--will you try again?" (What do you mean--"try again"? For what?...because there are no disappointments here.) These reactions hurt. These reactions made me cry. How could anyone be sad over such joyous news? I am the mother of four, perfectly special, hand-knit gifts from the Lord. They happen to be all boys. Actually, they don't "happen to be"...they are each and every one a unique gift from God. No accidents here. He created them for us and created them perfectly--knowing exactly how He wanted to build this family He's so graciously given us. Feeling very sad and teary those first couple of days post-ultrasound because of these reactions, in addition to pouring my heart out to God I also did something I never do--e-mailed a complete stranger. Rachel Balducci is a newspaper columnist and mother of five sons. I love her stories and insights...many are all so familiar to me. I needed so badly to hear from someone who may have walked a similar experience. This precious woman e-mailed back to me words of grace and love. Yes, she had been in my shoes. Yes, it hurt. Truly she was God's mouth-piece to me during a rough time. She also included part of my e-mail in her blog, Testosterhome. The discussion on yours truly is posted on September 1, 2008. There are several comments on that post--some funny, some poignant, others...well...annoying. It is a good discussion. One of the comments stands out to me the most:

Rebecca said...

I try SO HARD to remember that "congratulations" is the only appropriate response to news of a new baby -- boy or girl.

Well said. Let's remember to rejoice over God's masterpieces.

The New Silhouette

The belly at 23 weeks.

THE NEWS

The ultrasound this morning left us no doubt....we have a 4th son! He is healthy and perfect--what more could we ask for? Our cup runneth over...with BOYS!

He cares about the "little things"...

Just wanted to remind you all...Our Father hears every little whisper of a need that we have, and He cares about all our details. Having purged our home of everything baby last year (thought we were "done")...save one pair of maternity pants and one little box full of little clothes that made me cry at the thought of sending out....I was in need of maternity--everything. Money is very tight these days. I whispered a prayer and sent out an e-mail to two recently-pregnant friends. Here's the result:

What a huge blessing. At the same time, our eldest had grown out of just about everything he owned. I bought a couple things on sale for him for his birthday, and asked God to take care of the rest. He provided another generous friend, whose son had just grown out of Bobcat's size. She threw three huge garbage bags of Bobcat-sized clothes in our trunk one day. He is outfitted for the entire fall/winter/spring...not to mention that those will also be able to be handed down to at least two more boys. God provides...wonderful friends, and all the "little things".

????????????

What will it be? Who is this little person? Pink? (Hard to fathom in this household!) Blue? (Continuing trend.) The ultrasound date is SET--for a week from next Tuesday, the 26th. So people...what are your guesses? We can't wait to find out! Tony and I had the big "name talk" last week...the final names are chosen, and I must confess...I am both longing for another boy...and longing for a little girl. I'm glad God has both planned and chosen and is personally knitting this little one together. He knows who the perfect little person is for our family--the little one who we all need, and who needs us. Amazing.

Coming Soon.....January 17, 2009!

Sooooo....the mystery of the last post is solved! Those are the roses (accompanied by Dove chocolates) my husband brought home to me the day we suspected our newest little blessing. Just wanted to have that confirmed before we shouted it out. So, that said, WE'RE HAVING A BABY! WE'RE HAVING A BABY!!

News to Come....