Letting Go

Finally.....a moment.

We've been so busy--sorting, packing, selling, sending, opening the clenched-tight fists, letting go.  We've been so busy doing, there's been no time to process.  No time to think things through.

No time to simply. just. be.

Days have been filled from early morning until late evening.  We've been shaken, uprooted, displaced.  It feels uncertain.  Hazy.  Yet all the while, regardless of how we feel, He is there.

                                         photo by Pyrah's Pioneer Peak Farm

Unmoveable.

He makes it abundantly clear that He is here, and I'm so grateful.  And although He towers above us so much greater than His creation, He also makes clear that He cares about all our details.  He cared about orchestration of our mammoth packing-up and selling process. 

 He cared about sending a kind family to live in our old home, who will love it and be good neighbors to our dear friends.  He cared about creating relationships while providing transportation for our household effects. Goodness, He cared about providing the three sizes and flavors of pizzas we wanted for moving day, from the pizza shop we wanted, 1 ½ hours before it opened for the day!  He has shown us over and over again, that if we trust Him and act accordingly, He will take care of all.

This process of transplanting has been more difficult than I ever thought it would be.  Of course there has been a gigantic, on-going, must-do list, and all the fatigue to accompany it.  That's been the "easy" part.  It's the other stuff that has been agonizing at times...the emotions and saying good-bye over and over again.  Helping our sons navigate through these changes, with the highs and lows.  That's the stuff that's not so easily done and then crossed off neatly with a pen.  

We've been maneuvering through day after week after month of letting go.  God keeps reminding that we need to open up the hands to receive what He has next for us.  When you open those fists, you have to let go of what they're holding onto.  That takes courage, and quite frankly, some days I don't have enough.  Years of following after Him has shown me I can trust Him...but it's still hard. 

 

Sometimes, it hurts.  There have been days I've been filled with such grief it's been difficult to take a breath.  Pray?  There are no words.  Most, the vast majority in fact, of my prayers in this season have been on the tail-end of fatigued, emotionally-charged, anxious thoughts.  My prayers have been two words long: "Jesus Help."  You know what?  Those words have been enough. 

"Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness.  For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words."  Romans 8:26

When I choose to look to God for my help, my perspective shifts, and hope enters my heart.  This season hasn't been all difficulties.  

There have also been unspeakable joys and hopes throughout this process:  New appreciation for people and for this magnificent place we've called home for over 16 years.  Recognition that this world is not our true home.  Areas where we've misplaced our trust in things.  New understanding of the depth of love we're blessed to have toward others.    Dreaming and anticipation over our future and the possibilities.  Looking ahead to unmatched quantity of non-fragmented family time.  All these things give us joy (!) but as we simultaneously grieve, it's hard to wrap our minds around those things which are coming.  Right now, we're just learning to trust...opening the clenched-fists...and letting go.

Winds of Change

The breezes have been stirring in these hearts of ours for quite awhile now.  Change has been in the air, and we've been waiting...listening....for His leading. 

I'm not the most patient person in the world, and I admit that our recent season of seeming stagnancy tested what bit of that character trait I do have.  As you know, however, enduring that testing is required for growth.

  ^"Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope,  and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."   Romans 5:4

What I know now is, that it really is for our good to hunker down and enjoy those quiet, patience-testing times...because one never knows when they will come to an abrupt end.

There's no sense in beating around the bush.  Boyland is moving, Folks.

These last sixteen (sixteen?  really?) years in Alaska have been amazing. Yes, sixteen years ago, Tony and I, along with our two dogs and elderly kitty, left the Midwest, drove our old Chevy "Caroline" down the Al-Can, and set up house here in the Matanuska Valley.

We've grown so much since then, and in so many ways.  Alaska has been good ground for growing.  We've grown mentally and spiritually.  We've grown new, genuine, incredible friendships.  Our hearts have been enlarged with passion for new causes.  And of course, we've grown in family size.

We came to Alaska to see and do all there was to see and do.  We didn't get to see and do everything we had hoped, but we did have a huge realization that only comes from actually living here.  We realized after living here awhile, that Alaska is a very different place than what people typically romanticize it to be.  It is not any less than what many people think of it, but it is definitely different.  That "difference" is what seeps deeply into your heart, creating such a deep love for Alaska.  Most everything about Alaska we will consequently, very deeply miss.

So why pull up these roots that are so entrenched in this magnificent place?  There are several reasons, actually.  These reasons vary from health issues to career issues, to looking-ahead-to-the-future-of-our-family issues.  Like many big life decisions, the reasons behind this one are fairly complicated.  As we've wrestled with all these issues, the answer always comes into focus:

It's just....time.

After seriously contemplating this for months, we took a leap and put our house on the Market.  As with everything in this venture, I bathed the potential sale of our house with prayer.  I actually asked God plainly to just use this as a litmus test for whether this was His good and perfect plan for us or not.  You see, I don't trust myself to know the best and perfect plan for us.  And quite frankly, it's easy for Him to let it sell or not let it sell.  Our house hit the Market three weeks ago.  Since then, we had three showings, about one per week.  This past Tuesday, our real estate agent received two offers on our house.  The offers arrived to her within five minutes of each other, around 10:00 at night.  There are more details to this, that I'm not at liberty to say at this point.  But suffice it to say, we have definitely gotten the litmus test signs we asked for.  Our house sold last Thursday, exactly three weeks after hitting the Market.

Now the busyness begins.  We're packing up our fiddles and banjos and heading to Appalacia.    This is going to be an incredible adventure for our family!  After the sale of the house closes, we'll be replacing our vehicles with an RV.  That will be our new home for the next couple of months while we travel across two countries, for over 3,000 miles to our new home outside of Knoxville, Tennessee.  It's both frightening and exhilarating!  Reminds me of a similar trek two young kids made in the spring of 1998.  This time, however, we'll be doing it with 5 actual KIDS, an elderly dog, and 2 spunky kitties.  For years we have dreamed of taking such a trip.  Some dreams come true...even while others are delayed.

I hope you'll join us in the adventure.  This is the first of hopefully many posts to follow.

Flight Into a New Dream

Sometimes dreams die.

It can happen for a myriad of reasons.  Hearts change.  Visions and goals change.  Life situations change.  Sometimes it happens because hope is lost.  Sometimes it is for lack of resources, or follow-through.  It can happen gradually over time, or it can be dashed in an instant.  Sometimes it is welcome.  Other times it is not. Sometimes it is because you let it die.  Other times it is out of your control.

I have a story to tell of a dream that is dying.  It is not welcome.  It is not in our control.  Visions and goals are needing to change, yet our hearts have not changed, and hope is not lost.

In 2010 God spoke.  "Bring one of mine home into the family and the home I have blessed you with," He said.  Our hearts were kindled with this vision, and it was frightening and exhilarating all at once. 

There were so many ways to accomplish this; It took a long while to find the path.  We started along many before they were blocked, each in their turn.  We took a blessing of a detour, as we put things on hold in order to grow and welcome and enjoy our Zachary Asher.  Yet when it was time, we resumed our journey.  We were adopting an Ethiopian child. 

We have invested much in this journey.  Our hearts, our privacy, years of our lives, thousands of dollars.  So many of you have come alongside us (and we thank you...so very much.)  Even complete strangers have come along us and assisted and encouraged us in this journey.  It's humbling.

the mounds of paperwork

the home visits

the multitude of trips to obtain needed documents

the multiple fingerprinting

the re-fingerprinting (at all sorts of inconvenient, government-appointed times)

the fundraising efforts

the scrimping to save

the heartache of knowing there was a child waiting for us, clear across the world

And oh how we wanted him or her or them to come home to us. 

During these last three years, we've dreamed about that phone call which would say we had been matched with our child(ren).  We dreamed about the traveling to meet her, and the visit to the orphanage.  We dreamed of having someone hand us a beautiful, hand-knit-by-the-Lord, little brown bundle....of the tears we'd shed as we smiled in disbelief that we'd be entrusted with such a precious gift.  We dreamed of returning home, and introducing our sons to their new sibling(s).  They too, have dreamed about this.

These investments and sacrifices and hopes and plans do not change that Ethiopia is closing to inter-country adoption, however slowly.  Nobody can tell us with any confidence that we will be matched at all.  If by miracle we would be matched before a complete closing, it would be no sooner than 2016.  And so we are left to grieve our Ethiopian child that might have been ours to love.  Our dream is dying.

I want to hold on to it, but the funny thing is, when certain dreams die, the seeds still remain. 

 

 To hold on to those old dreams would be to squeeze them and smash them so that they could no longer take the flight needed to give birth to the new dream.  

  

So we'll try and let it go, gracefully.  As this door is closing...when the answer is "no, not this way,"we'll continue to look and see how He's leading us in another way for adoption.  This, amid tilting my face to the sky as I question, "Why did You have us go so far and invest so much, just to say "no"?

"Because," He says, "My plans are good and perfect for you, and I want you to watch as I make something beautiful out of this dying dream."

Waiting....Waiting...Praying....Loving...Waiting

Several people have been asking, so here's the latest on the adoption train.  We've reached the point in our adoption process where there is very little update to give.  Paperwork has been completed and approved and sitting with our representatives overseas for several months now.  It's been a year and a couple months since we sent out that first packet of papers which set it all into motion. 

Of course our hearts had already been set into motion for quite some time.  Still, it was a big deal to take those first "real" steps.  I remember taking these photos for posterity...thinking how appropriate it was that the flower bulbs were just beginning to stretch up through the dirt.  We were just beginning that process ourselves, in a sense.

It was exhilarating...and also so very frightening to be stepping out of our safe, warm earth-of-sorts.  

Throughout this past year or so, we've continued to take a lesson from those plant bulbs.  We just slowly, methodically, patiently keep pushing through.  At times this is easy.  At other times, it is difficult.  In either case we just enjoy this beautiful, messy, blessed life we're privileged to live.  

Daily we look into five sets of breathtaking, summer sky-blue eyes...

...and daily we dream of the breathtaking, chocolate brown eyes that we haven't yet had the honor of looking into.

Eyes of a child who was thought of and planned for and loved before the existence of time.  Just as I was thought of...and planned for...and loved.  Just as you were thought of...and planned for...and loved.  (Do you know that?)

What amazing love is this.  

And so, we wait and pray...continue to build up funds, and all the while we live this blessed life with all it's goodness and challenges.  We celebrate this week especially, but every day of every year, the sacrifice that was made to show us what true love really is.  

Thinking of you

Tony and I are winding down in the quiet stillness of evening.  Our five are snuggled safely and soundly in their beds, bodies blissfully resting after warm hours of play in the spring air and sunshine.  But...one...or two of us are missing.

I'm thinking of you tonight, as I often do...as I often have over the past nearly two years.  Are you cold?  Are you hungry?  Are you lonely and missing the arms of your mother and father and brothers?  Are you even born yet?  Are you even conceived yet?  Whatever the answers to these questions, you remain in our hearts and in our dreams and in our prayers.  Most importantly, you remain in our Father's care.  We pray He'll bring you home to us soon, because even though we've not yet seen you or held you,

we miss you.

Super Bowl Makes Me Think...About...

Have you ever heard this song and truly, TRULY let the words of the entire song seep into your soul? The events of this day make me think of this song. I'm not diggin' on anyone who loves to watch a good ol' American football game. It's the surrounding events and the pomp and commercialism that screamed this to me today.

Eaglet's Plans are Music to My Ears

Eaglet wakes up early before everyone else on most mornings. He loves the quiet house (who doesn't?) He usually reads and then draws what he has read in the peaceful stillness of the early morning. This morning, however, he spent some time dreaming. When I got up to feed Baby, he excitedly ran to me with his sketchbook in hand, to show me his plans for his future house:

Above, you see the plan for the main part of the home. (Perhaps you'll need to click on the photo to enlarge for detail.) My favorite part is how he created a baby nursery across from the master bedroom. He even has the crib and changing table labeled.

This (above) was of interest to me as well. Notice the large bedroom with double bunk-beds. Then see the room adjoining with all the balls. Apparently, he is planning for a padded wrestling/play room for the kids. I asked Eaglet how many children he was hoping for, and here's the part that was music to my ears: "EIGHT...at least that's what I'm hoping for," was his reply.

I love this.

Eaglet talks often of large families and how he dreams to have one of his own. I know he's only 9, and plans may change, but I love that he loves children...that he loves and esteems LIFE.

And now that I'm through swooning, I will exhibit the last part of Eaglet's plan that I really got a kick out of. Apparently the future father of eight plans to have quite a "man cave":

Check out all the goodies he plans to have in his garage! I am also impressed that he's wisely planning for transportation needs with a 15-passenger van.

I surely love my Eaglet, and I hope he really does have eight children...at least. I'm still bringing home babies myself, but I tell you what--I cannot WAIT for grandbabies. I'm totally looking forward to the granny thing.

Tagged--"Five Things"

5 Things I was Doing 5 Years Ago:

1. Just recently began attending WBC
2. Mother of a 3 1/2-year-old, and a 1 1/2-year-old
3. Still learning the ropes of mothering a food-allergic child
4. Just became pregnant with #3!
5. Volunteering in-office at HeartReach Pregnancy Center

5 Things on My To-Do List Today:

It is almost 11:30 p.m. Let's talk about tomorrow!
1. Sleep in as late as possible
2. Plant spring Tulip bulbs on south side--I can see dirt--yeah!
3. Bake chocolate chip cookie bars with boys
4. Go to the eye doctor
5. Do school lesson plans for next week

5 Things I Would Do With a Million Dollars:

Wow--where to begin?
1. Give to HeartReach Pregnancy Center
2. Give to Blood:Water Mission
3. Building expansion for NCM college in Rwanda
4. Family travel to Hawaii, Washington D.C., and Europe...for starters
5. Build my guys a garage with workout space, wood-working space, car-tinkering space, and space to play hoops

5 Places I Have Lived:

1. Chetek, Wisconsin
2. Minneapolis, Minnesota
3. Richfield, Minnesota
4. Almena, Wisconsin
5. Wasilla, Alaska

5 Jobs I Have Held:
1. carhop waitress at a drive-in restaurant (no roller skates, but I did have the coin changer!)
2. Waitress at a ritzy restaurant on an island (had to boat in to work!)
3. Salesperson at Gussini Shoes in downtown Minneapolis
4. Dorm food service at U of M
5. C.V.T. at various veterinary practices in three states

5 Things I Want to Be Doing in 5 Years:

1. Be a better wife
2. Be a better mom
3. Know God more intimately
4. Homeschool my 14 year-old, 12 year-old, 10 year-old, and 5 year-old sons
5. Live in another state? Who knows.

5 People I Tag:

1. Shannon
2. Sandie
3. Annie
4. Marti
5. Pam

Our Quiver

Sons are a heritage from the LORD,
children a reward from him.

Like arrows in the hands of a warrior
are sons born in one's youth.

Psalm 127: 3, 4

2009

A fellow blogger asked her readers what we are looking forward to in 2009... There are so many things I'm dreaming about. Here are some that top the list:

• The birth of our little son!!! And along with that, all the wonderful 1st year milestones.
• Getting back into shape after Baby. Thinking of joining a gym, and I'd also love to learn to swim well enough to do lap time.
• Spunky turning 4, Bobcat turning 9, Eaglet turning 7.
• Another possible trip with my mom in February (?) with baby too, of course...to somewhere warm.
• Hopefully a warm, sunny summer this year!
• Camping trips...hopefully without rain! Wait...is that possible?
• Weekend with my guys in Seward. We skipped last year and really missed it.
• In-depth Bible studies...Esther?
• Keep on reading classic literature.
• Hopefully another visit from my grandma who lives in Wisconsin.
• Tony and I will celebrate 15 years this September!
• Finish knitting Baby's sweater and hat.
• Meeting two good friends' new babies! Throwing baby showers!
• Anne of Green Gables meets VPA this spring! How I would LOVE to try out for a part. Probably not the right timing...but trying out for something is on my goal list when it agrees with family life.
• Hatcher Pass--sledding this winter, hiking and blueberry picking in the summer.
• All the things God will teach us and show us...things I can't even imagine. He makes life SO worth living!

The First Load...All Hues of Blue

OOOOO....I love all these blues! I finally was able to indulge in washing the first loads of our newest son's teeny-weeny little clothes. Tony and Spunky have been busy painting and setting up the crib.......so now it's been my turn to fuss about and do the new mommy nesting thing! I love having this room all (almost) set up......and dreaming about all the precious, tender times we will share with our baby son in here. I'm so happy we're having this baby...I'm overwhelmed with the fact that God Himself came to us in this most humble and precious and vulnerable form. I'm overwhelmed with the fact that that same God also has laid out each and every day and purpose for this little one that we're about to meet any day.

????????????

What will it be? Who is this little person? Pink? (Hard to fathom in this household!) Blue? (Continuing trend.) The ultrasound date is SET--for a week from next Tuesday, the 26th. So people...what are your guesses? We can't wait to find out! Tony and I had the big "name talk" last week...the final names are chosen, and I must confess...I am both longing for another boy...and longing for a little girl. I'm glad God has both planned and chosen and is personally knitting this little one together. He knows who the perfect little person is for our family--the little one who we all need, and who needs us. Amazing.